Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
by Quicksilver
Summary: Final story in the Glimpses oof a Fallen Star series (7/7), but stands alone. In this, we see Miaka as the strong woman she became after her adventures- and how her memory of Nuriko inspires her.


  
Quicksilver's Quill Offers  
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night  
mbsilvana@yahoo.com  
standard disclaimers  
  
I was in denial.  
You couldn't be dead. You wouldn't do something so stupid, would you, Nuriko? You wouldn't- you really wouldn't- would you? But apparently you would. And I watched you, first among my Guardians, lie down in the cold snow and die.  
I'm back home now, but sometimes I feel as though I never left Konan. I still see all your faces. It's strange, but of all the seishi, your the only one I think of as "truly dead", perhaps because I saw your body. I never saw Chiriko, and Hotohori and Mitsukake died after Yui had taken me out of the book. But for you, your death seems real. I became accustomed to your absence, and that is the fact that saddened me most of all.  
You loved me; Suzaku knows why, but you did. You gave up your love for Hotohori, gave up your identity as Kourin for me, and how did I repay you? By messing up my relationship with Tamahome, that's how.  
I wish I had Tamahome with me right now. In his arms I could find comfort. Do you know I didn't have a chance to grieve for you? Now that I'm home, the reality of the situation is beginning to set in on me. The experiences the Seishi and I shared, what happened to Yui, and your death- I'm having a delayed reaction. I will wake up at night in tears, knowing that I will never see you again, talk to you again, be protected by you again.... While I miss Tamahome will all my heart, it is not with complete despair that I think of him. I believe -I KNOW- that Tamahome will find me- he promised, and he never breaks his word. We were meant to be together, and Suzaku is the God of Love. Between the three of us, I'm positive we'll work a miracle. But not even love was enough to bring you back from the dead.  
Nuriko, I really want to be able to talk to you again and ask you for advice. I'm so worried about Yui-chan. The experiences she had changed her... and not for the better. She seems prone to depression, and I feel horrible. How come her Seishi couldn't have been more like you? People willing to make her laugh, people who protected? The seishi she wound up with were not a group of prizes, I'm sure you'll agree. All of them were either neurotic or psychotic, even Amiboshi in his own way. While the Suzaku seishi were certainly rather kooky, they were all deep individuals motivated by a desire to protect the people, their land and their God.  
I hardly sound like myself. My mother hardly recognizes me anymore. I've become serious, but I'm sure you know the truth.  
I've finally grown up.  
I think of you often, Nuriko. You're one of the ones to blame for my new-found maturity. I've started the habit of taking a second before I act and asking myself, "What would Nuriko say?" I know you well enough to formulate your likely advice, and its helped keep me out of trouble more then once already. Sometimes I'll ignore it (I know what you'd say to my eating habits, but that is one thing I refuse to change), but I always make that consideration.  
I think I'm mad at you. I know I'm not suppose to think ill of the dead, but I was so very upset when you died. It still hurts to think about it- how could you let yourself die? You promised you would be ok!! I can't see why Tamahome and I were stupid enough to agree to let you go up Mount Black alone. That has to be one of the things I will always regret- not only did you die, but it was partly because of how gullible I was! You weren't going to be ok! You DIED! Damn you!  
Now I know I'm mad at you. I haven't been mad at you since after we met Amiboshi, who was posing as Chiriko. You remember, ne? At the inn, with the lightening storm?  
It was a little before we arrived back at the palace. We had stopped at a wayfarer's inn (or the equivalent of it) for a rest and lunch, but a rain storm kept us there for a little longer then we had anticipated. Hotohori decided to do a little sword practice out in the rain anyway, stating that he thought he might be losing his edge. The experience with the bandits (and getting captured so easily) had shaken his confidence.  
I watched as he stood out at the in pouring rain, stripped to his waist. The water ran down his lithe body in glistening streams, and he looked like a God of the storm, his seishi symbol blazing upon his neck. Hotohori was simply stunning, his hair flying away from his face as he performed intricate katas, ignoring the ferocity of the storm.  
I glanced over at the only other window in the inn, and wasn't surprised to see you sitting on the delicate sill with perfect balance. The wistful expression on your face tore at my heart- I knew you loved Hotohori, and had often teased you about it, but I hadn't realized how sad it made you. I walked over to you, and rested my hand on your shoulder. "Daijoubu?" I asked.  
You startled at my touch, then turned around and smiled at me, though it didn't reach your eyes. "Why do you ask? Of course I'm ok! We've found all the seishi and soon we'll be able to summon Suzaku!"  
Normally I would have taken you at face value and teased you a little about drooling over Hotohori, but this time, something stopped me. Perhaps it was my underdeveloped sense of tact making a rare appearance. "Nuriko, please tell me what's bothering you," I asked softly.  
You bit your lip and looked indecisive, then smiled suddenly. "Maybe I should go get Hotohori- it's not a real good idea for him to be waving a sword around in the middle of a thunder storm," you said, attempting to change the topic.  
I grabbed onto your shoulder, halting you before you could leave. Looking down into your eyes, I asked again, "Tell me, please?"  
A hard look came to yours eyes, one that I had seen very rarely. I had seen it when you were upset and angry the bandit camp, when the mirror image of myself had revealed your secret. It was the look you used to defend yourself, and I was taken aback. Inside, I was sure that you wouldn't hurt me, but the look made me nervous. "Miaka, leave it be," you said. "Some things are private."   
For the first time, I realized that for you, most things about yourself were private. I didn't even know your real name! While you were being strong for the rest of us, you never thought of yourself, or let any of us touch the core of your being, the place where the real Nuriko resided.  
"Why can't you ever rely on one of us!" I demanded. "Why don't you ever show something other then concern for someone else, or cheerfulness?"  
You shook your head sorrowfully. "I am what I am, Miaka. I have hidden for so long that I know nothing else."  
"Can't you at least trust us?" I demanded. "I know that there's something that always makes you sad... onegai, Nuriko, tell me. You have to trust your friends."  
Tilting your head back, you sighed. "I do trust you. It's just that I'm not ready to share my past with anyone- not even my miko."  
For some reason, your answer made me very very angry. "If you trusted us, you would let us share your sorrow! A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved!"  
You shrugged my hand of your shoulders and rose to your feet. "I'm going to bring Hotohori in," you said, as though our conversation hadn't happened. As you walked out of the room, I could have sworn I saw you place a false smile on your lips.  
Sometimes I believe you loved Hotohori because he was the only one who couldn't hurt you. As the Emperor, he had to have an heir, something you, as another man, couldn't have provided him with. So you loved him safely, knowing that a relationship between the two of you could go nowhere. Still, I believe that you would have grown out of that and found someone who could give you the love you deserved, had you lived.  
Damn you, you shouldn't have died. You should have fought harder to live- just five more minutes! Just five more minutes, and Mitsukake would have been able to heal you! But you gave in, let death take you away from me. For the first time, you gave up. It's going to take me a long time to forgive you. In fact, I may never.  
Nothing hurts so much as losing the people we love. And I did love you- you were my strength, and the person I could always count on. I remember burying my face in your sweet clove-scented hair as I wept for the Sou family. You held me, rocking me back and forth like a child. I wish you were here now, so I could cry out all of my frustrations and pain, just like then. I miss you so much.  
Occasionally I think I see a person who is you. I'll catch sight of someone with a long dark braid, or hear laughter that sounds achingly familiar. I'll turn and looked, almost expecting to look into those sparkling purple eyes and hear you say in your husky voice, "Miaka! Why are you being so serious? You may not have Tama-chan right now, but he's not the only thing in the world! As long as we laugh, life is worth living! I didn't die so you could feel guilty and brood!" But it's never you; you are not of this world- you're a character in a book... no more. It's only logical, after all, I have to be reasonable. You were not -never were- real. Or that's what I should think, Keisuke tells me when I become depressed.  
I don't really believe that. You're a part of me. The part who knows suffering, but always laughs in the end. Even today, I know you're there, Nuriko, watching over me.  
  
END  
*QUICKSILVER HEAVES A SIGH OF RELIEF*  
Anyway, this is it for this series- but I have some other stuff on the way!!   
FEEDBACK IS THE SALARY OF FANFIC WRITERS- THE MORE I GET, THE QUICKER I WRITE! 


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